Sunday, April 24, 2011

Cutting the Head off the Lizard

I am squeamish. If I were dropped off on an island Survivor style and it didn't have a pizza joint on it I would surely starve to death. I don't hunt. I don't even fish and the last time I fished when I was a kid I opted for the cheese ball on the hook instead of the worm. I have watched all sorts of fictionalized mayhem on the screen - be headings, disembowelment, exploding bodies, impalings, stabbings... all sorts of gross things and I am perfectly fine separating fantasy from reality but if I were to witness a real protruding bone from a broken arm i think I might possibly loose my lunch and dinner.

One weekend as I was mowing the backyard I noticed a lizard scampering up the stucco wall of my house obviously scattering from the sound of the lawn mower. I stopped to examine the little guy, even thought about trying to catch him in my hands to show the kids but instead just went on my merry mowing way. The grass was a bit higher than normal as I hadn't mowed in two full weeks. I decided to move in a diagonal fashion which seemed to make this arduous task go a little faster. As I angled back past the shade of an elm tree I saw it. A lizard was on it's back depressed into the cut grass. It had large avoided the wrath of the mower but unfortunately the blade severed it's right front leg and slashed open it's belly. The sight of that little creature with it's guts splayed out and it still quivering not only grossed me out but saddened me. I do not like to see any creature suffer.

I paced back and forth doing that indecision dance I often do. Then I yelled toward the house in this kind of avoidance move- "I mowed over a lizard!" I felt like I was 10 years old. As far as I can tell no one heard my announcement except my dog Lucy who was quizzically staring at me through the back security screen door. I looked at the little guy (yes now I had ascribed a gender to the lizard) who was still moving and dieing there on the lawn. I headed for the tool shed and grabbed a garden spade. I let the square flat edge hang like a guillotine blade over the lizards neck area, closed my eyes and plunged it down hard. I opened my eyes to see he was no longer moving. I felt this sense of relief and accomplishment bolstered by the belief that I had done the right thing. I yelled to the house, "I killed the lizard!"

I actually felt a sense of calm after putting the lizard out of it's misery. As is often the case, a series of thoughts scattered in my brain. I had mowed lawns thousands of times at the various homes I have lived in and not once had I ever mowed over a lizard or at least not seen any evidence of doing so. Lizards are fast little buggers and like most reptiles (if you count their Dino-saurian descendants) have about 200 million years of survival instinct built into them. They are pretty good at avoiding things like mowers. So maybe he was injured or sickly, maybe my mow over was a simple example of the survival of the fittest. Maybe he was plagued with a serious contagious illness and my inadvertent killing had actually kept this contagious lizard killing disease from infecting a larger population of lizards. Maybe he was lizard X. Maybe I just prevented the utter extinction of this particular species of lizards.

Or maybe he was a highly evolved lizard. I mean, it is the evolved of the species that seem to get killed by all sorts of random events. It is always the more intelligent sober among us who get killed in car accidents and the drunken dough heads who are driving without seat belts, get thrown 40 feet and land on their heads who live. "The guy was not tensed up when he landed and that saved his life" - that is always what they always say. So maybe this little lizard was losing his survival instinct because he was a thinking lizard, an evolved creature and I murdered him!

Maybe he was part of an evolved lizard family who now are waiting for daddy to get home and teach them cross species language. Can you imagine walking down the sidewalk only to hear a thunderous God awful grinding noise approaching? The sound becomes deafening, wind storms arise until a large metal blade swooshes over you and cuts you into pieces. This is what happened to my poor little evolving guy.
I will mourn you my scaly lizard friend.

- Adler Bloom

"And in 1962 a little boy was born and his dream and his goal was to own a monkey. This is my dream"


Amidst the theme from "Star Wars" and other heart stirring music, Tim "wild thang" Lepard offers inspirational words before a minor league baseball game. I must admit that at first glance this viral video is funny. The sheer disconnect that your brain has listening to this bit of personally wrought oratory while watching this strange spectacle does have a dark streak of humor in it but then the humor starts to dissipate and you are only left with the dark. Many thoughts ricocheted in my head as I watched this video. Besides the obvious fact that all guys do want to have a monkey, (yes that son of a "B" Dane Cook is right) it is clear that these are not dog riding cowboy monkeys. If I could see the cowboy shirt / chaps wearing monkey mosey on over, leap onto the saddle of that dog, grab the reins, yell "Hiyah" and gallop around that field, now THAT would be a dog riding monkey. On the contrary, I see a monkey strapped to a dog and holding on for dear life. True, I don't know if the monkey is enjoying this. As with any pet, a remarkable bond can be developed with their human owner and maybe the little primates do want to please Tim "wild thang" Lepard for whatever reason whether it be for food or Pavlovian love. One can definitely argue that it beats being used in medical experimentation. The strapping down the monkey bothers me. Using monkeys to make a fast buck bothers me. The fact that thousands of moms and dads gleefully sit their kids on their laps to enjoy this kind of spectacle bothers and annoys me.

This viral video made me search for more monkey videos only to find little monkeys riding motorcycles as well. Yes, you read right. Check out the video of the little monkey scooting up and down some busy highway (I think in India). At first glance it looks like the little guy has been trained to actually ride a little motorcycle on his own. Look closely and you will see that he is being yanked by his neck hard enough to literally zip down the street. Apparently, the monkey has to endure being yanked hundreds of times a day so that his owner can garner tips from passersby.

I no longer want to own a monkey. That childhood dream has quickly evaporated. I just want all monkeys to run as far away from us human beings as is possible. Hide away you little monkeys.

- Adler Bloom

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Prince sets up "Residency" at the LA Forum / the George Lopez show tonight

Prince will be the musical guest on the George Lopez show tonight (April 13th) where he is reportedly going to shed more light on his 21 show residency at the LA Forum. Not only is the guitar god / pop icon / musical genius going to practically move in to this venue, it is reported that the ticket prices are going to be kept as low as can be- many seats only $25. This just sounds too good to be true. I am sure the the inventive LA scalpers will find a way to acquire those low cost seats and promptly turn them into high cost seats.
Ok, so this is not Prince but can you guess who this is who bears a striking resemblance to Roger Nelson.
-
Adler Bloom

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Anna Calvi

Just discovered Anna Calvi- her voice and guitar playing sound both cinematic and intimate. A good introduction would be "Black Out" but I have chosen "Love won't be Leaving"-
enjoy- Adler Bloom